So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
