I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
