you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
