i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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