why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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