there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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