So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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