Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
