can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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