I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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