I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
