I faked an abortion last night.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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