The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
