there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
