No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
This is the high leading the old right now
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
third nipple confirmed
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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