does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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