It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
