just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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