God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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