somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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