I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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