you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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