Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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