I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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