We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
