My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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