Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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