Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
