So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
