They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
