if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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