i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
