hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
