I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
its not stalking. its research.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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