the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
