I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
