I am full of burrito and curiosity
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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