the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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