I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
