omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
