So drunk, too bad you don't want this
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize