i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize