i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
