i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize