I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
