R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
