if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
