Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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