I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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