Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize