I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
