I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
