3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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