please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
