I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
