its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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