Betty ford says i'm here all night
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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