I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
