last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize