how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
