I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize