So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
