Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
