I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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