Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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