I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
