It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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