I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
