i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
